If you are anything like me, you feel everything so deeply. The good and the bad. You’re empathetic to those around you and sometimes it’ll affect you a bit too much. Growing up I spent much of my time worrying about other people, being there for other people. I see nothing wrong with this-it definitely shaped me into the person I am today. I feel like this groomed me to understand people and their situations, their perspectives. To open my heart up because each and every single one of us has a different story to share, and in some beautifully maddening way, we all deserve to. I really put myself in someone’s shoes to see and feel things the way they do (maybe that’s also the actor in me), but in doing so, I realized, no one really understands me.
From the time I can remember, all of my friends and family have always come to me for advice or wondering what my opinion is about something, rarely did I do the same. I thought, “oh I’m strong and independent, I can take care of myself” but mostly I think I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems, even though, I never felt burdened when people would come to me with theirs. I enjoy helping people. Helping people see a different perspective, or dissecting every last bit of what they have on their mind and in turn opening their eyes to new possibilities. I strive for that. I really do. There’s nothing more gratifying than knowing you helped someone. I mean, really helped them.
From the age of 12 or 13, to now, 24, I realized you have to adjust your expectations of someone based on their capacity. They may be giving you their all, but since your capacity is so much more it feels insignificant in comparison to what you could/would give or do for someone. I know the best solution for this is to simply not have expectations, but that isn’t so simple when it comes to those we hold near and dear. I also realized sometimes in the midst of finding ourselves, we have to completely lose ourselves again and again and again. The process of getting closer to finding who I am and then realizing I know nothing, is something I come across often. Each time though, I know I’m more prepared than the last. I mean I must be getting closer and closer to uncovering this mystery, because I’ve got the foundation-the core laid out; and now it’s just sorting through situational factors, right? Who knows. I’m just a student of life.
The beach is one of my favorite places, because it’s where land and water meet in their massively full bodied entities. It’s the collision of two worlds. The violently beautiful union of two opposites. The ocean puzzles me in a way that I can stare at it endlessly, longingly, and come out of it having more questions than I started with but feeling at peace knowing somehow someway, everything will be okay. I cry, not because I’m sad but because the world, the universe and our lives are nothing short of a chaotic magnificence.