12:59

I once promised you every Sunday morning I’d wake you up with soft kisses. I’d open the curtains so slightly to let the sunshine creep in. I’d cuddle up right against your chest to hear your heartbeat. I said this to you thinking I meant it forever, hoping it would be our ongoing ritual. Now I don’t even remember what your face looks like, I don’t remember the way your touch feels, or the way your lip curled when you smiled at me. I’ve forgotten what it means to “have someone” or perhaps I’ve never really known. I stay up late that night trying to make sense of it all and early that morning I’ve made a decision. There’s these moments in our lives where we come face to face with ourselves in a way that can’t be ignored, denied, or shied away for another time. It must be addressed head on. Now is one of those times. I’ve had enough tossing and turning so at about 4am, I grab my keys, get into my car and I drive into the abyss. Moonlit skies as the sun begins to rise. Shadows passing by. My thoughts evaporate as I drive past each milestone closer to my destination further from where I started. What am I chasing? What am I running from? Headed in different directions, maybe one day we’ll meet on common ground. The gradient in the sky, pinks are matched with oranges are matched with blues. The transition is dreamlike, one flows effortlessly into the next no solid lines. We’re all the same, really. Made up of energies. We’re encompassing of mysteries and memories. I stop by a lake to stretch my legs and have a smoke, time stands still as I gaze into my reflection. The moon still amazes me. What do you want from this life? The younger me would contemplate between fame and fortune. Older and wiser, I think consciously and carefully…I want solace, trust, I crave passion in all aspects. I want to create. I want to exist. I want love too. The singularity of my being is matched with my deep desire for connecting. I want the same things as you. Or maybe I don’t. I know only what I want. What you want isn’t my business anymore. What I want is both the poison and the antidote; and time to figure out the fine line between the two. The most valuable thing I have is time, and I don’t even have that because time is not some tangible item I can hold on to. It’s fleeting. Time, giving me so much, and then not enough, yet still taking everything away. Will I accept the things that I cannot change? Will I change the things that I cannot accept? Why do things end? Is it so better things can come together? When will I know I have something good? Is it only when it’s gone I’ll recognize its true value? All these questions I have not yet discovered answers for. Not sure if I want or need those answers either. I suppose in their nature they’re mostly rhetorical. Open ended, because, there’s not one answer, there never will be. It’s as ever-changing as I am. I continue on because that’s all I really know.

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