feeling blue

Forgive me for the lack of content, for you see, I’ve had major writer’s block; and yes I know the best way to get out of it is to…write, but I don’t know what’s been up with me lately. I’m in a funk. I haven’t felt inspired. I think a lot of it has to do with my job. I’m not where I want to be career wise at this point in my life; and since I spend 8 hours of my day M-F at this place it’s really fucking with me not being happy at work. I’m also pretty sure I’m on the cusp of entering a new chapter in my life. Every time I enter a new phase I feel intense emotion and I can’t even begin to explain what it is I’m feeling. It usually puts me in a state of extreme vulnerability-it’s as if I’m being reincarnated, reborn. I make sure to self-reflect during these transitions so that I have complete recollections of all my past chapters; so with each revival I’m wiser and I’m more experienced. These passages of evolution, growth and change take me back to basics, where all I want to do is be by the ocean listening to the infinite waves crashing against the shore. Or hiking in the wilderness surrounded by giant sequoias and sunshine, listening to the birds chirping their sweet melodies. It makes me want to take a long drive at sunset, cruising down the coast, windows down, music on L O U D.

At home, I’ve been remodeling my space with the help of my lovely father. We (mostly my dad lol) ripped up all the carpet in the rooms, laid down hardwood floors, repainted all the walls and the fireplace. Basically in our two story home, I’ve claimed the downstairs which consists of a living room, bedroom, little kitchen and bathroom. I decided to make the living room my bedroom and turn my old bedroom into a walk in closet/office space. I’ve taken before pictures, I’ll take afters and I’ll share the two once we’re all done. This has been my exciting mini project because I’m getting the chance to design everything exactly how I want. I’m really into interior design, I’ve got an eye for what looks good. The end goal is to achieve a healthier and more aesthetically pleasing environment, a safe creative space.

I’m the kind of person that needs to do meaningful work, I need to know that I’m actually doing something to help people/animals/the world and/or assist with overall success of a project/business/scheme (loving my use of slashes?). I’m the kind of person that needs challenging yet cultivating environments and hates long periods of idle downtime. I’m the kind of person who loves to collaborate and equally enjoys working on my own. I’m the kind of person who knows that I will never be done learning and will always have an open mind. I’m the kind of person who will go to desperate lengths for even the briefest moment of true connection. I want so much out of life because I know that I have so much to offer. Everything I just stated is essentially what I’m lacking in my life atm, that’s why I feel so morose and a large part of me is motivated by this lack of stimulation to figure out what’s next for me. I do not have it in me to live a life that deprives me of the very things that enrich my soul all to live a life that is designed by an old-school mainstream society. I’ve got some soul searching to do, however I am very much on the right path and I feel it in my bones, because eventually, everything connects.

Welp, I don’t have much else to spew on about at the moment. Thanks for hearing me out. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite poems by Rupi Kaur from her book Milk and Honey:

“most importantly love
like it’s the only thing you know
at the end of the day 
all this means nothing
this page 
where you’re sitting 
your degree 
your job
your money 
nothing even matters 
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you 
and how much you gave them”