When I became mindful and transparently aware of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and overall self; I began to go through a constant transitional phase. I began to notice I was making constant updates on myself and continue to, to be the forefront version of my best self. I look back to a couple years ago and the person I was then, has grown SO much since. And as I continue to reflect to just a few months even weeks ago, I can really see how much I’ve learned, experienced, and felt. It excites me. I look forward to this newfound exhilaration and appreciation I have of my future and what’s to come for me.
Sometimes though, I envy people that are content in their simple but happy lives. They are content with the norm of societal expectations. I’m not and don’t think ever will be. I don’t want to compete with standardized expectations set by some hierarchy of people for an ordinary and controlled society, I only want to compete with myself and being a better person than I was the day before. I want so much more. I want to do so much more. I never want to stop or settle. I always want to give the world everything I have to offer. I want to make people feel something, deep within their cores. I know I’m meant to do this, meant for this challenging greatness. Here’s a little part of Steve Jobs’ 2005 commencement speech at Stanford that really resonated with me and confirmed my own affirmations, “You’ve got to find what you love, and that is as true for work as it is for lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work, and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.”
Everything in life is a “matter of time” if you think about it…everything is dependent on time. The right time, the wrong time, when you’re waiting for time to come faster, when time goes by too fast. Fucking T I M E, infinitely linear, untouchable, undeviating, uninterrupted, never ending, never waiting, and never late. All of which we ultimately have no known control over. We can do all the ‘right’ things and work on setting ourselves up for something great, but in the end if the timing is off, it’s out of our control. To sum this up, we can plan all we want and try to make things perfect but you/I/everyone still surrenders to the universe and what it has planned for us. Further put, the one thing you do have complete control over (with practice) is your mind; allow yourself to take in every single thing life offers to show you, and the daily things you go through. Experience it wholeheartedly. Take it all fucking in guys. This is how you work on being the best version of yourself. Become self-aware as well as socially/publicly aware. Go with your intuition, your gut feeling, listen to your higher-self (more about this in another post).
Sometimes, I don’t know how to react to extreme kindness. When people are overly nice and giving (unless you’re a select few, whom are trusted completely). Naturally I get skeptical, because I’ve usually been the one to genuinely play that role in most of the relationships in my life platonic and otherwise-except for those select few where everything is reciprocal, as it should be. People have usually wanted something from me, there tends to be an ulterior motive-big or small. But the thing is with these specific people, I always had some sort of inner intuition about this person’s motives and just hoped I could sway it to have pure intentions because I did. So that was on me, I’ve been gullible enough in the past and suffice to say, I’ve learned the hard way. But at least I learned 😉 A few bridges have been burned, which is completely normal if you are actually living your life and growing in the intended way. There’s no fucking way you are being your most honest self if you haven’t had a few relationships go to shit. Because you are not for everyone, and neither am I. You can’t make everyone happy or see your truth or value. Politely peace them the fuck out, and continue on you way. Satisfy your mind, body, and soul first, and allow that radiating satisfaction to linger in people’s brains. Teach them to take care of themselves first so they can also love better and healthier. Your journey is sacred, and sharing it with someone is a gift that should be dearly cherished. There’s nothing in my heart I carry a bitter feeling about. Shit happens. Sometimes we fuck up and make shitty choices based on whatever reason we thought was rational at the time. The biggest and perhaps greatest thing we can learn to do is to let go. Honestly and genuinely let go of the things that don’t evolve you, or that you have no true control over. Time heals everything (sneaky ol’ time back at it again!). I don’t hold grudges. People change, and sometimes they don’t. Don’t spend too much time thinking about what goes on in the minds of other people. You’ll go crazy. Focus on your journey and how you can be the best you.
More later xo,
More later xo,